Tuesday, October 15, 2013

I'm Tired, I'm Worn

I sit down to write today, because so much has been bottled up. As the title states, I am worn. This semester is taking a giant, smack-in-the-face, knock-me-down toll on me, and the saddening fact is that it is only half way over. The course loads are tough, the concepts are confusing, the work is never ending, and the cycle continues each and every morning. I have found myself slipping into a state of defeat. I am falling into a position where I am trying to just keep my nose above the water, but struggling to do just that. I have been asking myself the past couple days, "Why have you let it get to this point? Should you even try to keep up anymore? Can you ever catch up and catch a breath?" I am becoming defeated and I am surrendering to the thoughts of "You're not capable," "You can never catch up," and "just reserve yourself to the fact that you are a huge dissappointment."

Wow! Where are these thoughts coming from? Yes, stress is crippling, but I know that these specific thoughts are not what I am supposed to believe. No matter how hard it gets, how behind I think I am, or how worn and tired I am, these thoughts of inadequacy, incapability, and defeat are NOT from The Lord. They are indeed from Satan. 
Why am I believing them? I sit here and know where they originate, yet I am finding them to be true. Hello!!! Earth to Alex! Anything and everything that Satan tells you is a lie!!! So, why do I find it easy to believe these stupid lies?
I am in the world. I am surrounded by things that are created by God, yet are not always acting for The Lord. I am an alien in a foreign land, and I am not guarenteed that just because I believe, it will be easy. In fact, James 1:2 says "consider it pure joy my brothers WHEN you face trials of many kinds." It doesn't say If you face them, it says when you face trials. This tells us that trials will come and more trials are coming. Just because we are believers, does not mean that it is all butterflies and rainbows.
So, we are here facing trials. We are consistently smacked down when we are just beginning to pull our selves up. We are fighting a battle against a world that seems to be out to get us. But wait, The Lord has an answer for this too. He says in John 16:33 "but take heart! I have overcome the world." Isn't that so great?! He has already defeated all of the things that are beating us down. We don't have to fight the fight, because the battle is already won by the mighty God. 

Okay, so we don't have to fight and the things defeating us are already defeated. Why do I still feel so burdened and weighed down? Why do I still have a sense of defeat? 
If any of you know me, you know that I am a planner. I like to make lists, schedules, and plans for the future. I like for everything to be controlled, and to know what is going on or to come and when things are going to happen. I take it upon myself to handle almost everything. Yet, when I do this, it usually does lead to weariness. When everything becomes too much to handle, I don't give it away, so in turn, I just begin to be beaten down. I hear over and over again that I need to give it to God. Let Him handle my stresses. Let Him take it, and trust Him in that. Why is this such a hard thing to do, when I know that if I continue to hold on to it, I will just be defeated in the end? That is where I am sitting today. As the world weighs down on me, I am asking myself why I can't completely give it to Him. Am I really trusting Him? No. I am keeping some things, because then I know they will get done. Am I relieved? Of course not. Then why, since I realize this, do i not surrender it all over to Him? I don't know, and I can't answer that.

My Prayer for Now:

Lord, you are capable to handle all my struggles. You are faithful, and I know that you will do what needs to be done. Help me give everything up. Help me let go of control, and let you take it all from me. I am tired and weary, and I cannot do this any longer. So, help me, please. Take this from me, and help me walk on toward your will and your plan. I pray that I trust in you and trust in your word. You will never leave or abandon me, and you will care for me. I pray that I will believe the truths that you say about me. I am capable. I am a daughter of the most high king, who has overcome the world. I am a conqueror in Christ. I pray that you remind me of this daily. Thank you for protecting me, loving me, and caring for my needs. Lord, I trust you. I pray that you help me give up control and lean on you.


In Him,
-Alex Kate

"Come to Me, all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." -Matthew 11:28

1 comment:

  1. Hey Alex,
    Sorry I didn't read this sooner. But I am impressed with your self counseling skills. At first I was really worried. How did that semester end up?